


Harder [Levi]

by revalise



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Falling In Love, My First Fanfic, POV First Person, Possessive Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Protective Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Revenge, Romance, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:40:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24640075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revalise/pseuds/revalise
Summary: It all comes down to the person who stays. The moment a seemingly fragile Arya Strauss locked eyes with the Survey Corps’s uptight captain, Levi Ackerman, she felt a change in her system. And soon enough, she finds out that he is much more than what he seems. Can Arya suppress what she feels if she keeps finding himself tangled within his grasp?
Relationships: Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Original Character(s), Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 21
Kudos: 69
Collections: Attack on Titan/Shingeki no Kyojin





	1. The Bystander Talks

**Author's Note:**

> The story is cross-posted on Wattpad, AO3, and Tumblr.
> 
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> Sarah - @moonstxr  
> Sophia - @Sofaiya  
> Jo - @montilyetron
> 
> Check them out here!
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> Links:  
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> 
> Weekly Update Schedule: Saturday / Sunday evening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT 07/25/20:   
> If you see any chapter title in bold above, it means that the chapter has been edited. I'm currently working on editing the rest of them. 

**THE BYSTANDER TALKS**

Look, I didn’t want to be more than just an onlooker, alright? I’m fine with having a quiet life despite joining the Survey Corps and being friends with a certain group of weird people.

I glanced at Jean and Eren who bickered here and then.

The mess hall was filled with loud chatter and overwhelming noises from different tables. The cadets were rowdy as per usual during dinner. It actually seems like titans don't exist at all.

No problems. A normal day for normal people.

I sat down beside Armin and Sasha and put my food down on the table. Since I joined the military, they've helped me to keep my sanity in check from the pressures of being a soldier.

"Arya, the mashed potato is so good!" Sasha beamed at me as she took another spoonful.

Her enthusiasm made me chuckle and I felt the need to taste it for myself. But Armin spoke from beside me with a smile, turning my attention to him, "Arya, I'm done with the book you recommended!"

"Really? Did you like it?"

"Yeah!" Armin's short-lived grin grew wider before he pinched his nose as he pondered, "It almost looks like it's a real story though."

I only gave Armin a half-smile though his attention wasn't on me anymore but on the possibility that the story might be true. I've thought of that as well, but I never had the chance to prove it myself. How could I ever go outside the walls like the girl in the story and find a whole new nation?

Shaking my head to discard myself of the thoughts, I turned to my food, only to find out that Sasha's been taking a few spoonful of my mashed potato in silence. And no one even told me!

She stopped halfway when I caught her and reciprocated my gaze with a wiggle of her eyebrows and a shaky smile.

"Sasha..." I threatened, and she shamelessly still took another spoonful before turning to her own meal.

From beside her, Connie laughed at the situation. I watched as he playfully hit Sasha's forehead with a spoon.

I laughed at their interaction until I felt someone's gaze on me. "What?" I asked.

Jean eyed me carefully, "There are rumors spreading that you were making out with Captain Levi last night."

"What?" My eyebrows furrowed as I slammed my utensils on my plate, but I felt heat rush to my cheeks.

So that's why the other cadets have been looking at me. I've noticed their stares for a while now, but I usually just shrug it off.

But where did they get that? Captain Levi and I aren't even friends to begin with. We haven't even talked. Our relationship is merely boss to a subordinate.

Jean laughed it off, resuming his dinner. "Well, I guess it isn't true."

He put a spoonful in his mouth before speaking again, "I mean this isn't really new since there are a lot of rumors about the both of you that aren't true either. Right?" He stared at me, probably expecting some sort of confession.

I didn't say a word, too annoyed to even speak at the moment that it showed in a scowl.

Where are these rumors even coming from?

"I can't believe the Captain just let this go on," Connie said, looking intently at me with a flash of interest spreading across his face.

"I just don't really wanna be involved in anything," I frowned.

"I'm sure everything will be fine," Eren said, smiling at me politely.

"Yeah," Sasha agreed from beside me. She scrunched her nose, "They'll forget about it in a week or so."

I forced a smile. If anything, I'm lucky I had friends that I could depend on.

"What if the Captain likes you, Arya?" Armin suggested with a quiet voice.

Jean, instantly, laughed while chewing, causing him to almost choke, then cough, making me grimace at the disgusting sight. Nearly everyone turned to look at him.

"Could you tone it down?" I said, unable to wipe the grimace from my face.

"Jean! Jean!" Armin whispered with certain alertness in his tone. "Stop laughing! Captain Levi is coming!"

At the mention of his name, ambivalence pulled at my heart.

My body tensed and I felt frozen. I was rendered speechless in my seat.

Has he heard about the rumors? What if he thinks badly of me because of them? But most importantly, why am I worrying about what he has to say?

Perhaps Jean didn't hear Armin's warnings because he continued to laugh loudly with his hands over his stomach, almost spitting food from his mouth.

But at the contact with Captain Levi's palm at the back of his head, Jean choked on his food, making him cough endlessly as he struggled for breath.

"What the hell!" Jean exclaimed, coughing as he did.

Once he recovered, he threw his head back and aimed to throw a punch at the perpetrator. But his efforts came to a halt once he realized who he was dealing with.

"C-Captain..." He stuttered. His eyes widened in surprise as fear took over his features.

"Tell me, you little shit..." The captain spoke with eyes filled with ferocity and a dangerous tone. I felt the intensity of his gaze on Jean. "What were you about to do just now?"

Jean laughed nervously and posed an awkward smile, "Nothing, Captain Levi..."

"What's with you laughing so damn loud?" Captain Levi asked gravelly. I think it might've even sent shivers down Jean's spine.

"J-Just a joke, sir..." Jean replied with a wobbly tone.

There was silence in the mess hall. Nobody dared to move, much less to make any noise. Nearly everyone turned to look at our table and watch the commotion. I couldn't quite figure out if they were worried or interested in the matter, but I caught a glimpse of Annie, Reiner, and the others that I know of watching with a straight face.

Honestly, I'm pretty scared too.

Captain Levi is known to be strict and cruel. He's uptight and mean.

"What joke?" Levi asked. "What the hell is it for you to laugh like a pig?"

"You liking Arya, sir..." Jean replied hesitantly.

Levi punched Jean hard, making him fall off his seat, colliding with the wooden floors. My mouth went agape at the sudden course of events.

Eren immediately stood up from his seat, "Captain!"

"Don't butt in, brat!" Captain Levi threatened Eren and resumed throwing punches at Jean, who lay helpless.

In a matter of seconds, Jean's right eye turned purple and his lips swollen from the punches. He tried to block Captain Levi's attacks with his arms held over his head but to no avail.

With someone as experienced as the captain, he could manage to hurt his victims badly effortlessly.

I don't know much about him, but I heard he grew up underground.

But this is insane!

Why is he so violent? It reminded me of how he brutally beat up Eren when they found out he was a titan shifter, according to what Armin told me.

"Stop being so violent!" I yelled, making the captain turn his attention on me, even to my surprise.

If I didn't know better, I would have thought he was surprised at my outburst.

Where is Mikasa when you need her?

"Are you trying to protect your..." He looked back at Jean, disgusted, "friend?"

"You're going overboard, Captain!" I yelled again, standing up from my seat.

The mess hall was filled with whispers. They look taken aback from my sudden burst of feelings. But it had to be said.

Punishing a cadet by running fifty laps is better than beating someone helplessly with such a petty reason. That's a different matter. And I couldn't quite grasp why he was so mad at Jean for such a simple matter.

"Arya..." Armin whispered. I felt his hand on mine, trying to calm me down.

"Tch," the captain hissed. Slowly, he stood up and took a white handkerchief from his back pocket.

As he wiped the blood off his hands, I watched as the clean, white cloth became tainted with red. Then my eyes returned to the captain's face who was watching me with much intimidation.

There was anxiety and uncertainty deep inside me, devouring me whole, and making my heart feel heavy.

While I did surprise myself with my outburst, as I was always mostly quiet in things like this—a mere bystander—I can't stand seeing my friend like that.

Though Jean and I bicker a lot, he's one of my closest friends. I know that the others around me might've been scared about going against the captain. But I'm not. Not when it concerns someone dear to me.

If I can't stand up to him, then how could I ever control my fear when titans come around? Doesn't that make no difference in fighting fear—our greatest enemy?

It's not that I'm encouraging the other cadets to fight back to our superiors. Maybe it's just the sense of justice in me.

"I—" I started to defend myself but the captain cut me off. His gaze sent daggers my way.

"Shut up and follow me." He commanded, his tone was imperative and full of authority. He shot me one last dangerous glance before he walked away, leaving the mess hall aghast with the commotion.

"I'm sorry, Arya..." Jean apologized. He looked embarrassed as he wiped the blood off his lips, while his other hand supported himself to push his body upwards.

I watched as Connie dashed to his side, worried, "Jean, you're badly beaten!"

"It's not your fault." I gave him a tight smile, hiding the anxiety building inside me.

Then I turned to Eren, who was already looking directly at me. I couldn't quite fathom if he was staring with worry, awe, or both.

"Eren," I looked at Armin, "Armin, bring Jean to the infirmary."

Eren nodded in acknowledgment and I caught the sympathy in his eyes. "Be careful."

From my peripheral, Armin helped Jean up as he tried to stand with Connie.

I nodded and gave them a reassuring smile before turning my back on them to follow the Captain.

The worries of the other cadets wormed their way into my mind as I walked. I even heard a comment about how it was too much to talk back to Captain Levi, only making me feel more nervous.

As I trudged my way closely behind the intimidating Captain, I fidgeted the leather straps on my shirt.

Why was this even happening? My years as a cadet were quiet. And as I neared finally being in the Survey Corps, why did this have to happen?

Why now?

"Tch," the captain looked at me with disgust as he entered his office, probably noticing that I was lost in thought.

He sat on the chair behind his desk, crossing his legs. His eyebrows were furrowed, and he looked pissed _._

I could feel my legs turning to jelly.

"What did you say to me?" He asked darkly.

Suddenly, all the braveness in my voice vanished as he stared at me with intensity.

I looked away, hesitating, "Y-You're too much, sir..."

Captain Levi tapped his fingers on the desk, making noises that made me want to vomit out of nervousness.

"Really?" His gaze was intense and his voice was dark—daring even, challenging.

"We were just having fun!" I justified with hand gestures, my voice coming off a little loud before he cut me off.

"I don't care whether, the hell, you're having fun!" He slammed his fist on the desk and the noise made me jump. He massaged his temples with closed eyes, "You dare ruin my night..."

His brows were creased and he had a sharp expression on his face. He looked so mad but at the same time, it also looked like he was so insulted.

"I'm sorry..." I mumbled nervously with my eyes downcast. No further words came out of my mouth.

I closed my eyes in frustration towards myself. I know I'm wrong for yelling at him, but I didn't regret it. Not when he just went ballistic on my friend.

Captain Levi fixed how he was seated and then placed both of his elbows on his desk. Lacing his fingers together, he looked at me with his sharp, intimidating eyes. Staring at me, _mocking me._

"Name?"

"Strauss, sir. Arya Strauss," I sniffed.

"Strauss..." He repeated while he searched for something on his desk.

From my peripheral, I watched as he pulled out something from his drawers. Once I noticed him flipping through it, I realized it was my folder, containing my details and progress.

"So you're the one who's always with the potato girl. Let's see..." He spoke with intimidation while he flipped through the pages.

"Late. Late. Late," he glared at me before resuming reading my papers. "Late again. Classroom score, twelve over thirty. Not even half!"

"You're always late, dumb, and you're disrespectful to your _superiors_. You're obviously not doing well in anything." He threw my paper to the side, which frightened me. He put his arms on the table, "So, why should we keep you?"

I closed my eyes in frustration and my voice stammered, "Please don't kick me out. I need this."

The pleading in my voice threw me off. It seemed as if my life depended on this, but the poignant reminder of my mistakes and weaknesses set my heart to a negative ablaze.

What could I possibly do to change his mind other than beg him?

If I don't keep my post as a cadet, I won't have anything to feed my family with. Even though I wasn't exactly fit to become a soldier, I thought I did my best, somehow, but it's always inadequate no matter how hard I try.

My heart hurts at the thought of being kicked out and having to go back to my family. My mind drifted to the thoughts of the painful starvation I experienced with my younger siblings. How Cohen, the youngest, begged me for food, and how Kamber was left beaten by kids his age and stole the firewood he was going to be paid for. All of which I could have prevented if I did my part as the eldest child.

And though I fear for my life while I fight off the titans, the Survey Corps provides support for our families that put all my worries aside.

"Tch," he clicked his tongue. "Why are you crying?"

"H-huh?" I touched my cheek only to find it wet with tears. I didn't even notice that I had been crying.

Quickly, I wiped my tear-stained cheeks with my sleeves and looked up at him trying to put on the façade of someone brave. He stared at me for a moment, studying my face, before he retired to his seat.

"Go to your room and sleep," he said calmly. "Report to me tomorrow morning."

I shot my head up almost immediately at the sudden change from his hostile demeanor.

Captain Levi waved a hand of dismissal. But I stood in place for a moment, staring at his face that looked calm and reserved as he stared back at my doubtful eyes. I waited for him to take back what he said, but he only shook his head with sarcasm and an arched brow.

"Do I have to repeat myself?" He spat.

With one last look, I hesitantly saluted to him and left almost immediately.

It was when I closed the door did I finally feel relief. I released a breath I didn't know I was holding.

Being with him alone suffocated me.

Once I went back to my room, my thoughts were filled with the possible events for tomorrow as I discarded my clothing to take a shower. Whatever it was, I had to endure it. I can't have myself be kicked out of the corps.

According to what Eren has told me before, it was tough being in Captain Levi's squad. If he wants me to report to him tomorrow, then that must mean he has something grave to make me do early in the morning.

I'm nothing special. I'm not like the others, like Eren, Mikasa, and Annie, who are strong. I'm not clumsy or anything else that could make me some sort of a damsel.

I'm just... average.

Once I got out of the bath, I noticed my reflection in the mirror with only a towel to wrap myself with. Then my current predicament was replaced with: how would I look tomorrow?

I stared at my reflection closely, observing every feature.

Long lashes curved over green eyes, matching my light brown hair that was naturally curled in the edges that fell to my chest. Button nose and pink thin lips.

My hands traveled to my arms, with skin a little lighter than the captain himself, and then to the top of my towel as I discarded it to dress myself.

I mentally thank all the training for my toned midriff as I put my shirt over my head.

As I slumped on my bed, giving Sasha's sleeping figure on her bed a short glance, I remembered mentioning my little crush for Captain Levi once when I first joined the military with Mikasa and Armin.

Mikasa ended up scolding me for liking that 'midget.'

Upon remembering the nickname for the Captain, I chuckled.

After that, I never talked about him and forgot about how I felt, given his cruel reputation and for beating the hell out of Eren.

It’s funny how before I joined, I thought it’d be such a pleasure to meet Captain Levi.

A pleasure to burn, you mean.


	2. Damn Horse

**DAMN HORSE**

I was not a morning person, but joining the Survey Corps did teach me a thing or two, including waking up early and taking a shower in less than ten minutes.

Whenever I wake up too early, I go for a morning jog. I could never count on Sasha to accompany me for a jog. 

Most of the time, she’d only wake up a few minutes before training or when I tell her breakfast hour’s almost finished.

The air smells of spring humidity that came from the tame forest scent of huge pine trees surrounding the headquarters. The sky remained dark and the breeze gave off a cold touch, making me shiver as I ran another lap around.

It was at times like this that I get to think clearly. 

The fresh air relaxes my senses and always calms me down. I have to say though, somehow my fear of being kicked out by the Survey Corps died down overnight.

If I get kicked out today, then I’d just find a different way to help my family. 

But somehow, imagining the disappointment on my mother’s face scares me if she ever were to find that I was kicked out. 

It was her who requested I join the Survey Corps, despite the danger—if she even knew that, upon knowing that the Scouts explore outside the walls for the little hope that my missing father might be outside.

“Arya!” Eren’s voice sounded hollow as he called out from behind me.

His voice snapped me out of my thoughts, turning my attention to him. Like me, he already wore his uniform this early in the morning.

Once he caught up with my pace, he joined me for a jog and spoke with a smile, “Good morning. You’re up early again.”

“Yeah, big day today,” I sighed and continued with sarcasm,  _ “Yay!” _

Eren’s grin was replaced with a look of sympathy, “What will Captain Levi make you do?”

“I’m not sure. He only told me to meet him today,” I snorted. “But I think I might be kicked out.”

It was a useless attempt in joking, expecting Eren to throw a witty remark back. But it seemed like the mood only changed as he came to a halt. 

I only noticed when I was already a few meters away and could no longer hear the sound of his heavy footsteps rubbing against the tiny rocks on the ground.

“Eren?” I called behind when I realized he stopped.

Eren remained in place with his eyes downcast. I could see his hands slightly bawling into a fist.

I sauntered towards Eren, and only when I got closer did I notice the look on his face. He was silent as he bit his bottom lip and his brows were furrowed.

My smile dropped from my face and was replaced with worry, “Are you okay?”

Eren’s head shot up and he stared back at me, “I should be the one asking that. Are  _ you _ okay?”

His question made me realize the weight of the situation. Suddenly, my thoughts drifted back to my family. 

During the two years that I spent with my friends, we all confided in each other. They knew how much I needed to be in the military so that the Scouts would provide for my family.

They knew that vague part of my story.

“Y-Yeah…” I opened my mouth to answer, fighting the hesitation. I forced a smile, “I mean, I’d just have to get more creative with jobs once I return, right?”

He remained silent, so I continued, “It’s  _ you _ who should be worried!” I chuckled, lightly hitting his arm, “I might outlive you all!”

Eren didn’t reciprocate the same forced enthusiasm I tried to show. He reached for my hand that’s still on his arm, slowly putting it down, but not letting it go. Though I wanted to question his action, I didn’t have the energy to do so.

I was scared that if I continued to speak further, my voice would stammer and it’d be evident that, somehow, I was scared I’d never see Eren and the rest of my friends again. Not when they fight off titans and I had to think of another way to feed my family with the little coins I could make.

“Well, if I get kicked out, someone else would have to scold you for being so reckless,” I said to try to uplift the mood.

Eren scoffed but a smile peeked through, “You can’t say that. You’re reckless yourself.”

I chuckled at his response, but before we could laugh further a cold voice erupted from behind us.

“Morning,” we both turned to the direction of the sound, only to be greeted by the captain. 

He walked casually with the lead of his black horse trotting alongside him as he advanced towards us.

Captain Levi wore his uniform without the gear, just like us. He had his hands clasped to his back and I’m not sure if his eyebrows are furrowed against his grey eyes or if it’s just really like that.

“Jaeger,” he nodded at Eren before his eyes went down to our intertwined hands, making me pull away from Eren’s grasp. Then he gave me a lingering gaze, “Strauss.”

“Sir!” Eren and I saluted in sync once the captain stopped right in front of us.

“Jaeger,” Captain Levi deadpanned in his dark voice, Eren stiffened at the mention of his name. He continued ever so casually, “Why don’t you go and see if there is more horse shit to clean in the stables?”

Eren tried to hide the resistance in his face, “Sir…?”

“Do I have to repeat myself?” Captain Levi stared deep into Eren, not breaking eye contact.

“No, sir!” Eren quickly excused himself and walked in the direction of the stables.

“Do I see you walking?” Captain Levi yelled, making Eren run instead.

There was a short silence between us. I watched Captain Levi as he oversaw Eren disappear in the vast unknown with irritation.

“You,” Captain Levi turned his attention to me, “you’re going to accompany me to Wall Rose today,” he continued.

My eyes widened and there was hidden joy building inside me, “I’m not going to get kicked out?”

“Tch. What did I just say?”

I ignored his rudeness, smiling to myself as I instantly felt relief envelop me, “When do we leave?”

He tugged the horse’s lead and the horse moves forward, “Now.”

Captain Levi offered his hand to me and I momentarily looked at it in confusion before he showed me his infamous pinched expression like I had offended him in my stupefaction.

“Take my hand and ride the damn horse!” He hissed. I almost closed my eyes in shock at the sudden hostility.

I took his hand, ignoring the tingle that electrified my system, stepping on the pedestal.

Once I made myself comfortable on the horse, I asked, “What are we going to do at Wall Rose?”

He said nothing. Instead, he made himself comfortable behind me, crowding my space, and filling my nostrils with his clean, masculine scent.

The horse neighed and my body jumped in surprise.

Captain Levi’s hand flew to my waist in an attempt to secure me atop the horse, “You okay?” His voice was calm and gentle, different from usual.

“Yeah…” My voice stammered as I turned my head to face him. I forced a smile, but I think it came off awkward.

He didn’t say anything. Instead, he reached for the horse’s lead and his rough, calloused hands accidentally touched my skin, sending shivers down my spine. My heart hammered hysterically against my rib cage.

“Hold on to this,” he guided my hand on the lead. I only nod hesitantly.

I’m not sure if he knows, but when he slightly bent over to reach the lead, his breath tickled my neck and my mouth dried. 

I feel heat rush to my cheeks but I shake my head inwardly to avoid thinking further of the situation at hand.

Captain Levi then commandeered the horse to run and the morning wind hit my face ever so suddenly. I was glad I had tied my hair up earlier this morning.

We pass by the pine trees surrounding the headquarters and the disappearing dark green in my vision turn breathtaking as we strive forward, leaving the vicinity.

As the gallant steed galloped steadily, I took a peek at the captain behind me. His eyes were glued ahead and his brows were slightly furrowed in concentration. I took the time to take notice of his features.

His grey, droopy eyes. The straight, high nose. The sharp jawline.

I watched the figure of the trees reflect in his eyes as we passed by. My cheeks almost immediately boiled bright pink when his eyes met mine and a smirk displayed on his lips.

“Got a good look?”

I exasperatedly shook my head and turned my attention ahead. Then fear entered my system as I took good notice of a huge tree trunk on our path.

“Captain!” I yelled.

The horse’s neigh and the loud screech against its hooves and the surface were the only things I heard as the smell of Captain Levi’s cedar entered my nostrils when I closed my eyes.

There was a pregnant pause, and only when the noises vanished did I decide to open my eyes.

Captain Levi’s white shirt was against my face. He pulled me to his chest, his right arm clasped tightly around my back in a protective hold, while the other was on the lead.

He’s so close that I could smell the faint scent of cedar in his clothes.

And I realized he shielded me from the possible contact against the ground.

My air supply came in and out in short bursts. I can’t even breathe properly.

When I looked up, my eyes met his steel grey ones, staring right back at me with what seems like worry in his eyes. Then there was a sudden jolt inside me.

My knee-jerk reaction was to avert my gaze, but something about his deep grey eyes made me want to stare into them more.

I remember what my father once told me about eye colors.

He read a book to me that explained how grey eyes represent wisdom and gentleness—the latter I have to laugh. But they also possess great inner strength, think analytically, and change their mood depending on the situation.

Formal. Conservative. Sophisticated.

All of which I have to agree with based on Captain Levi’s example.

It’s funny how I said it’s boring to have grey eyes, but staring into his made me think otherwise.

I think I’d rather spend a great amount of time looking into them.

“Are you okay?” He asked.

“Yes,” I nod, my lips slightly quivering, “Are you?”

My eyes scanned the place and I found that we'd passed the trunk but we ended up alongside pine trees.

He nodded, momentarily fixating his gaze on me before darting his eyes ahead. He nodded to the direction, “There’s our destination.”

I turned my head in the direction he pointed.

The high walls and the gate of the neighboring town were all I saw. High above, I caught a small glimpse of soldiers atop the walls, guarding beside the cannons. Some were walking, sitting, and even slacking off. But their figures were so small and so far I only see them as black.

And even if they were high above, I didn’t think they saw the accident that just happened.

I let out a silent sigh of relief as I turned my head back to watch the captain who still had a pinched expression over his face.

Slowly, my eyes set downcast as I try to calm my heart from hammering against my rib cage.

A strange awareness gripped me by the gut at the strange look in his eyes, and being so close to him only made it worse.

My hand flew to my heart, feeling it beat rapidly as I took a good look at him.


	3. Dear Sanity

**DEAR SANITY**

“Walk along, cadet. Don’t slack,” Captain Levi calls over his shoulder and shoots me a short glance as I struggle to match his pace.

“Yes, sir!”

He narrows his eyes, tilts his head to the side, and gives me a lingering look. 

My gaze trails in the opposite direction, refusing to meet his eyes until he finally returns his gaze ahead. Somehow, looking in his eyes felt like swallowing me whole and never letting go.

Commander Erwin would usually do this himself, but since he’s been bombarded with more important matters concerning the scouts, he had to send someone else.

Hence, the captain’s visit to the Garrison… and I’m still not sure why I’m here.

I silently walk behind the captain, keeping a safe distance between us until he finally stops.

Captain Levi softly knocks three times before opening the door without any hesitation, revealing Commander Pyxis sitting casually in his chair, feet resting on the desk as he gulps down his alcohol enclosed in a metal flask.

Upon realizing that someone had barged into his office, he registers Levi in the doorway before he removes his feet from the table and stands up slowly. He puts his flask down after one last leisurely taste.

A twinkle lit Commander Pyxis’ eyes and an affable smile pushed the deep wrinkles in his drawn cheeks into soft dimples. He rounds his desk towards us, “Levi!”

Captain Levi stands unresponsive at his greeting, keeping his straight face, but I could tell he had great respect for the old man.

Slowly, Commander Pyxis’ eyes meet mine, and his grin extends further, turning his attention to the captain then speaking suggestively, “And who is your special friend?”

A wash of pink and red boil my cheeks as I feel heat rush from my chest to my face.

“Tch,” Captain Levi deadpans, “Just a cadet.”

I felt a strange chilling sensation before realizing that the feeling was mortification from the sharp rejection.

Not that it should matter to me. It was an unexpected reaction.

Commander Pyxis returns his eyes to me and his smile slowly disappears from his face, “Oh, I apologize.”

He extends his hand to me, “I’m Pyxis.”

I gladly receive his hand and shake it, pushing the embarrassment away, “Strauss, sir.”

The smile returns to his face as he opens the door further to signal us to come in, “Strauss, huh?”

Captain Levi walks inside quietly, looking uninterested. But that’s how he usually looks anyway. Behind them, I close the door and head forward as the Garrison commander returns to his chair. 

Commander Pyxis sits comfortably and continues, “You have the same last name as the banned author.” He gestures to the seats on the other side of his desk, “Do you know him?”

“Uhm, yes…” I shift uncomfortably in my seat.

From my peripheral, I saw Captain Levi studying my face.

“Good works. But the ideas are impossible,” he laughs loftily. “But that’s what happens when you’re stuck within the walls for all your life. That sort of life gives way for pipe dreams and hopes for making the impossible possible outside the walls.”

“That means that includes you too,” I say softly.

His smile vanishes as he laces his fingers together to rest on his stomach, a subtle solemnity replaces the light air, “Why do you think his books are banned?”

“Because his books talk about the possibilities outside the walls,” I answer confidently. 

I knew this all too well.

“That,” he looks at me intently, “and because it gives people hope. An idea. A retaliation. A _revolution_.”

My eyebrows furrow, “Why are you telling me this?”

Commander Pyxis leans his back on his seat and a thoughtful grin returns to his face. But before he could answer my question, Captain Levi interrupts, “Strauss, wait outside.”

I shoot him a quick glance and then back to Commander Pyxis before standing up and saluting to the both of them and excusing myself.

Once Captain Levi emerged from Commander Pyxis’ office, it was already late in the afternoon and the clouds had turned grey.

It’s going to rain.

Captain Levi saunters towards me. He looked calm but there was an intimidating aura surrounding him. I’m afraid to touch him, in case I get burned by his intensity.

“Sorry it took longer than expected,” he starts. “Are you hungry?”

I realize that I haven’t had anything to eat at all. I skipped breakfast because Captain Levi said we had to leave. 

And I skipped lunch because… I forgot.

But eating with the captain seemed a little too much. And I don’t want to disturb him more than necessary with my presence. 

I was a mere fly in his kingdom of gold.

“No,” I shook my head but the sudden sound of my aching stomach betrayed me.

I mentally closed my eyes in embarrassment. Why do I always embarrass myself in front of the captain?

He only stares at me pointedly before walking along, “Follow me. I know a place.”

Captain Levi led me to a diner within the town. When we entered, the busy and loud chatter from all around silenced. Nearly everyone turned to look at us, or namely, Captain Levi.

Though he had the attention of everyone on him, Captain Levi disregards it and makes himself comfortable in an empty seat, choosing the more private one in the corner where barely any people pass by. 

I sit silently across him, and he calls for a waitress, who immediately assists us.

“What do you want?” He asks and gazes at me while the waitress waits patiently with a smile on her face and a small notebook and pen in her hands.

“The cheapest meal...” I reply awkwardly.

“Tch,” he rolls his eyes and looks to the waitress. “Tea,” he stops for a moment and shoots me a quick glance, “and a mashed potato.”

The waitress leaves and I realize how awkward it is to be left alone with him. While he inspects his end of the window, I stare on the opposite side and observe the people around us, only stealing quick peeks at him.

Thankfully, the other patrons lost interest and resumed with their meals.

I shift in my spot, palms sweaty.

Neither one of us dared to talk and we let the awkward silence take over.

That is until I notice a man who seems to be in his mid-50’s walk towards us. He was built just a few inches above the captain, large but well contained within his ebony suit that marked him as one of the few people within the city who had it good.

"Captain Levi!" 

The captain only peers at him, a bored look painted on his face waiting for the man to state his business.

The stranger rubs his nape shyly, "Well, you see..." He starts, "I would like to thank you for saving my children a few years ago when the titans attacked Wall Maria."

"There's nothing to thank me for." Captain Levi replies with a straight face.

"No, well..." The stranger continues haltingly, "It means a lot to me. Without you, I would've lost my family a long time ago."

"I've been wanting to thank you, to repay you for your kindness. But when I visited the Survey Corps headquarters, you weren't there," he explains.

"Here," the man presents what seems to be an expensive wine in his right hand. "Please take this, captain. It's my daughter's birthday tomorrow. That's why I went out of my way to buy this."

The captain does nothing and the stranger takes it upon himself to take Captain Levi's hand to make him grip the wine. I saw the captain jerk a little from his touch.

It probably caught him off guard.

"Please take it captain, as our gratitude," a sweet voice said.

That's when I noticed a young lady behind the man. She was plain, yet so beautiful. Her long hair was neatly tied and her rosy cheeks gave beautiful color to her face. She probably was just a few years younger than I was.

"You really don't have to bother," the captain tries to argue.

"Please. It really means a lot to us.”

Captain Levi could only sigh, "Fine."

The man and his daughter wave their hands at us as they walk along, leaving the diner.

I glanced at Captain Levi.

He places the wine on the table and the faint, soft smile on his face did not escape my eyes.

For the first time, I didn't see a wicked or an emotionless expression. It was a proud one this time.

What people thought was emotionless, unfazed, and unbothered, I see something else. He was so much more than that. And I could tell from the slight movements of his shoulders and how he tries to refuse the tugging on the corner of his lips, he’s proud.

I know he’s proud. 

But I can’t help but think there’s still a strange emotion hidden deep within his eyes. How they glimmer when met with the sunlight and how his smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes. 

However, at that moment, I was suddenly reminded of the duty I’ll be taking once I’m fully a member of the Scout Regiment. 

It's to save these people from the titans and bring an end to those mindless creatures. Slowly, but surely, I know we will. 

Not too long after the interaction with the strangers, the waitress arrives with our order and places it on the table.

“Enjoy!” She happily says before excusing herself.

I tried so hard not to drool at the sight, silencing the growling hunger in my stomach.

Captain Levi takes a sip on his tea, his fingers on the lip and not around the handle, as he pushes the mashed potato in my direction.

I gave him a curious glance, waiting for him to say something, but his eyes didn’t meet mine. 

He silently drinks his tea while staring outside the window, watching the greying clouds move around each other.

“Thank you…” I say a bit awkwardly.

* * *

I inwardly groan as I squat on the pavement. 

We’ve been waiting standing in the shed for how many hours now with Captain Levi’s horse, waiting for the rain to die down.

Captain Levi’s furrowed brows, pursed lips, and the way he crossed his arms and put his leg back against the other were enough to tell me how much he doesn’t like the rain.

“Should we just run for it?” I break the silence looming between us.

He glares at me as if I said something stupid, “I’m not going in the rain.”

_Or maybe the mud and the dirt that come with it._

“But it’s getting dark.”

“I refuse to be dirty.” 

I sighed and slumped my shoulders. There’s just no way that I could make him agree with me. 

But the weather isn’t getting any better. 

There was another round of silence until I spoke up again, “Are we going to spend the night here then?”

Captain Levi shoots me another annoyed glance, his brows creases with a pursed lip, but he stops to think about my question. 

As if on cue, a lighting looming over the ground blinked a few times, turning our attention over to the perpetrator--a big, red signage with hearts darted all over and illuminating letters.

_Inn._

Captain Levi was the first one to avert his gaze from the signage, switching his eyes on me and giving me a look as if my question had been answered.

My hand flies to my mouth to cover the gasp and to hide the reddening of my cheeks, “You’re not saying..?”

He nods over to the direction of the motel, pulling his horse’s lead.

A look of hesitation was etched on his face when he tried to step out of the shed and into the rain until he finally decided on moving forward.

My heart starts beating rapidly and honestly, I’m scared it’d jump out my chest as I follow closely behind him as we both run to the inn.

He ties his horse to the stables, rubs its cheek, and finally walks over to the door. 

Captain Levi opens the door and a chiming sound rings the place as he holds the door open for me to go inside first. 

I enter the place and I hear his steps from behind me. The first thing I noticed was the quick opening of the small glass partition, revealing a man, who seems to be in his early 20’s.

At first, the man’s droopy eyes gave the idea that he was bored of his job, but upon seeing the person with me, the look on his face transformed to something radiant. The way his eyes lit up and the corners of his mouth rose into a wide grin were enough to tell me that he knew the captain.

Then his eyes switched over to me and his grin transformed yet again to something malicious.

“Welcome! Welcome!” He beamed as we stopped right in front of him, divided by the glass partition.

“For a night? Or for a few hours?” He continues with the same enthusiasm. “It’s raining, but our rooms are _steamy_ hot!” He nods along with his comment, not to mention that his grin still hasn’t been wiped from his face.

Goosebumps form on my skin at the memory of how good it felt to be touched by Captain Levi. These memories consume me like a case of fire burning rapidly and spreading its heat within my body. How he elicited those foreign sensations in parts I thought didn’t exist.

And how much I wanted to silence and burn all that pleasure down.

“Tch,” Captain Levi clicks his tongue. He didn’t even try to hide the annoyance written on his face, “Two separate rooms.”

The man on the other side gives me a quick, sad glance. His malicious smile falters and turns to a frown as he chooses to remain silent before he writes something in his log book. Then finally giving us both separate keys. 

In truth, a part of me died when he denied me. I’ve known it twice. 

But a part of me rejoices, _forcefully_ rejoices, that I could keep my distance away from him. 

And that means I could keep my dear sanity tonight.


	4. Awareness

**AWARENESS**

I knocked softly against the wooden door of the captain’s room just beside mine. A meal’s paper bag dangling in my fingers, “Captain?”

No answer.

Should I just enter and leave his dinner before he catches me sneaking into his room?

Despite my second thoughts about doing so, my hands reached for the doorknob, twisting it and feeling the cold metal surface on my palm due to the chilly breeze that drifted from the rainstorm outside. 

The sound of the rain pelting hard against the glass window was the only sound that welcomed me. The small, old room was furnished with a single bed in the middle connected to the wall, a mauve, shoddy couch beside the door, and a small square table in front of the window with two rush-seated chairs. 

It also consisted of a shower. I immediately knew that Captain Levi was in there as I heard the sound of rushing water from inside, though overpowered by the sound of the mad rainstorm. 

I trotted my way to the wooden table, the wine given to him earlier, and a few utensils seated on it. I placed the captain’s dinner down with ease and observed silence, careful not to make any sound to avoid him catching me in his room uninvited. 

But the single window in the room overlooking the town fountain caught my eyes, and it was beautiful despite being blocked by the rain sliding down the glass.

“What are you doing here?” A deep, raspy voice sounded from behind me, and I pivoted to the sound.

Captain Levi’s raven hair was damp. The wet, glossy strands stopping between his eyes. He wore brown trousers and his torso was exposed. 

My eyes unintentionally trail the outline of his grotesque purple bruising from the leather straps. The line starting from either side of his shoulders, sliding down and connecting at his chest, trailing downwards, and then dull color creating a dividing line just before his pelvis, near his adonis belt.

He leaned his shoulder against the door jamb, waiting impatiently for my answer with brows low. 

“Oh, uhm…” I swallowed and struggled for words. My eyes trailed on the opposite side as he stared at me with bloodshot eyes. The index of my right finger pointed to the well-packed food on the table, “I brought you dinner.” 

“Right,” he deadpanned. The clicking of his heel sounded against the wooden floors as he moved forward to the bed where his white shirt sat, perfectly folded in all its edges. 

His fingers slipped from the material as he pulled it over his head and I took the moment to salute, silencing the creeping thoughts and watering down the fire building within my body.

My feet found their way walking towards the closed door, footsteps complementing the squeaking of the old, wooden floors.

“Cadet,” I halt at the sound of his brusque voice. Turning my heel, I shifted my gaze to him, who was now fully dressed. 

His pale skin complemented the whiteness of his shirt, the dark color of his trousers, and the ebony knee-length boots. “Won’t you join me for dinner?” 

Words failed me as I opened my mouth to speak. Only a short, awkward nod was all I could muster as I watched him pull a chair from the table, creating a creaking sound, escorting me to sit. 

As I strut delaying, I focus my gaze towards the window, observing the fountain from the square right outside. Never mind the sliding rain on the glass. 

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Captain Levi’s voice sounded the room. His eyes were on me, calculating and observing His hands draped around the back of the wooden chair he pulled out, waiting for me to take my seat.

It sometimes felt like he looked at me in the same way a cat regards a mouse, ready to devour. 

I stopped in front of him, “Why did you bring me here?”

His head angled, a slight curl pulling at the corner of his lip, “Certainly, you didn’t think it’d only be for the Scouts, did you?” 

“What?” I questioned softly, but not meekly. 

“You didn’t think it’d be for personal affairs?” He took an unhurriedly step forward.

My brows furrowed in confusion and I felt the urge to move back but my feet were glued on the frail, wooden floors against my boots. 

He steadily leaned forward, stopping at a hair’s breadth between our faces.

Is he going to kiss me?

My breathing hitched. Suddenly, I was taken back to our first meeting when I had forgotten how to breathe in his presence. 

But out of the blue, his warm, minty breath touched my cheek, making me dwell more in perplexity. 

Captain Levi turned away from me, “You had dirt on your face.” 

He moved and took a seat in the table, looking outside the window and into the darkness of the falling rain that raged outside, ignoring the question I had just asked him.

I stood there, still in combined stupefaction and mortification as I felt the warmth of my palm against the coldness of my cheek from where he blew on my face, dusting off whatever dirt I had left. 

“Regarding earlier,” he said flatly but he didn’t try to hide the undercurrent of curiosity in his voice, “you seem to have your own opinion regarding that writer.”

Clearing my throat, I sat on the opposite side, “Not really. Just stating the superficial message.”

“Oh?” He narrowed his eyes at me. “And how did you get that banned material?” 

I stiffened at his question, trying not to get lost in his strange, devouring eyes. 

“Just that I saw it on my father’s desk years ago.” I fiddled with my fingers.

“Perhaps the military police should pay a visit to your father, no?” He threatened apathetically as he retreated his back on his chair.

I snickered without humor, a sorry smile formed on my lips, “He’s dead.” 

His clouded eyes gleamed in the moonlight, and I tried hard to look at it too much.

“Do you hate me?” His voice was a little more than a whisper.

Now, it was my turn to be amused and I chuckled softly, my voice blending in with that of the rain, “Is that your attempt at an apology?”

Captain Levi scoffed and rolled his eyes but with a ghost of a smile on his lips, “I can be an understanding captain sometimes.”

“You’re a good leader, Captain,” I said softly, studying his face, how it was painted grey in the moonlight with only so little light to see his features.

He peered over and the amusement in his face washed out, “I’m not a leader, Cadet,” he paused, the usual snide remarks hidden within his speech gone, “I’m a fighter.”

“I see that too…” My voice croaked while he stared intently in my eyes. 

Captain Levi looked at me with silent intensity as if he was observing a new species of some kind. “Enough about me.” 

I almost scoffed at the fact that I’d been the one answering questions over and over.

He rested his chin on his hand, “What does your mother make of her daughter being a cadet of the Survey Corps?”

A tight smile conceded on my face, “She’s not exactly… thinking straight.”

Captain Levi angled his head, his brows lowered, “In that sense, you don’t mean..?”

My silence suggested what I could not say: that she was deranged.

“I see…” He said ruefully and I didn’t say anything back.

He let out an exasperated sound and threw his hands up in the air momentarily, “Why is it that you always cry when you’re with me?”

My palm reached for my face and I felt the wetness of a single tear that had cascaded downwards as I wiped it off. I let out a soft chuckle, “I’m sorry. It just gets me every time.”

“You seem to be very invested in your family,” he started with an implication of curiosity. “Why risk your life in the Scouts?”

“I need the support the military gives to feed my family.” It wasn’t quite a lie.

Wiping another tear from my cheek, I followed weakly, “That’s why I can’t be kicked out.”

“You could’ve joined the Garrison. You’d have absolutely no chance in joining the Military Police though.”

I scoffed and rolled my eyes at his remark, but the humor was etched on my face and I let myself smile. “I want to die wearing a cape.”

For the first time, I heard his laughter and watched Captain Levi smiling fully. It was abrupt. The softness of his laughter was like a melody played by a string quartet and angels whispering in my ears. The way the wrinkles formed in his eyes as his lips extended to the direction of his ear and the way his ashen eyes lit in the moonlight.

Somehow, the space between us felt strangely intimate.

My heart thundered in my chest, forcing all that awareness down  _ deep, deep, deep. _

A hush had fallen between us. Only when I heard him let out a long sigh did I look up at him, meeting his soft gaze, “I can’t promise you that you’ll live to see another day once you’ve fully joined the Survey Corps. But I can promise you that I’ll keep your family’s support.”

This time, a genuine smile took over my lips and relief abated my bursting feelings. I sniffed, “That’s good enough for me.”

Captain Levi reached for the wine resting on the table and liquid pouring over glass sounded in the room, the inviting smell filled my nostrils. 

“Here’s to all the fathers who’d left us.” Something dark flitted across his eyes as he pushed a cup in my direction and then hoisted his, “And to the mothers who’d driven us crazy.”

Somehow, an hour flew by as well as the wings of conversation.

And somehow, my mind contemplated the darkness in his eyes - what that kind of loneliness might have felt like .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first time I wrote this, I hated it (and couldn't wait to write the next one because it's my favorite) so I took it upon me to write it better. And this became my favorite wha- 
> 
> Also, if you liked this chapter! Please don't hesitate to comment or kudos! Your comments inspire me!


	5. Similar

**SIMILAR**

My father kneeled in front of me, holding either side of my arms within his grasp. His emerald eyes—my eyes—glinted in the morning light.

For a moment, looks of both uncertainty and hesitation flitted across his face. He pursed his lips together before his eyes were pushed into a thin upward line, covered by his thin old-fashioned eyeglasses. 

“Is this goodbye?” My voice was a little more than a whisper.

A corner of his lip twitched upward, and something about it still felt so sad and different underneath. He lowered his head as he chuckled, then his gaze rose to my face yet again.

“Yes,” he said. “Yes, it is.”

“Where are you going?”

“You know better than anyone that even I don’t know where I’m headed,” his laughter was whole and fatherly to the ears.

He had a look of valiance etched on his face, I tilted my head to the side, “But you don’t even know what’s waiting for you in there.”

“That’s the fun part,” his grin grew wider than the last.

My brows creased and I glimpsed at both sides to make sure no one would be able to hear me before my hand curled on the side of my mouth. I leaned forward to whisper to his ear, “Aren’t you scared?”

Another round of laughter sounded, the morning light shining brightly from behind him, almost blinding me. It was seeping through the tall, familiar walls, the morning dew disappearing gradually.

“You know,” his hand reached for my head, patting it gently, “sometimes the unseen is not to be feared.”

“What does that mean?”

“I’ll leave it for you to interpret once you’re older,” he chuckled wholeheartedly.

My mouth opened for another question, but he interrupted before I could do so.

“Arya,” he started, solemnity spread across his face. His hand reached for my head, “You are my perfect creation.”

I blinked once, then twice. 

“Do you still remember what I taught you?”

Slowly, I nodded and his grin returned soon as he stood up. Each time he smiled, wrinkles formed on his face. His brown hair pushed back neatly and his long, light brown trench coat hung elegantly over his crisp white shirt and dark trousers. His attire suggested that he was educated.

He was a scholar, indeed.

His eyes were distant, looking over the horizon. I had to look up to rest my gaze on his face with my petite height then. 

“You’re still so young. Only eleven. But when you’re ready—” there was a short pause, “—you could join me.” He lowered his gaze on me, “When you’re ready, you’ll know where to find me.”

The way he looked so sure and so calm about what he was saying perplexed me, “But you didn’t even tell me where to look for you.”

He only let out a tender chuckle. 

I watched him leave, watched him strode away, and disappear into the horizon. Only when I realized I hadn’t told him that I love him did I feel the urge to burst into a run. To hug him, to tell him what I had forgotten. But the comfort of knowing he’d return stopped me.

Food, butterflies, sketches, and friends kept me company. The feeling of not having any weight on my shoulders felt so good then. Repeating the same routine the next day, and then the next, and then the next, until I stopped to ask Mom where Dad was.

“Didn’t he leave already a few days ago?” She tilted her head and gave me a side glance, her arms extended on the countertop as she fixed the plates. 

Clean, elegant lines formed on her face. Her long, silky chestnut hair bouncing gracefully over her waist as she moved. A shabby long sleeve hugged her torso and a long brown skirt covered her legs, a white apron—made scruffy and dull by time—wrapped around her small waist.

Even as she was clad in shabby-worked indifference, her looks suggested that she had been beautiful in her time. Even as she was wrinkled and aged in time, the remnants of her beauty remained.

She was the perfect housewife. Even as she stood looking like she had been exhausted by the work she’d been pouring to clean, cook, and take care of us—her dear children, there was not an ounce of irritation on her face. Rather, there was contentment and happiness. 

“But he’ll be back next week, right?” I asked.

Her eyes narrowed for a short while, thinking of the right words to say. Perhaps it’s all her years as a mother that kept her so kind and comforting. In truth, though I’m closer to my father, my mother never fails to make me feel safe. 

It was present at the times she combs my hair at night before I sleep, hums my favorite lullaby, and the way she holds me softly and gracefully against the sound and warmth of her chest as I pull her closer.

“That’s what he said,” she replied.

But even two years later we sat as a family, he never returned.

My mom sat at the head of the table, her long hair messily bounded. Dark circles and bags formed under her molten eyes

The look on her face was more than just fatigue, but hopelessness. The elegance was replaced with endless exhaustion, making her wrinkles prominent against her face.

“Mom, more?” Cohen, the youngest, asked. The innocence in his voice felt tender as he pushed his plate over. 

Mom gazed at him. That flash of hunger and sadness I’ve memorized all too well. 

“You can have mine,” I pushed my plate in his direction, knowing all too well how Mom rationed out food. Giving her share would mean she’d have nothing to eat at all. And she’d been willing to take that sacrifice; she’d make any sacrifice for her children.

“You eat that!” Mom swatted my hand. She kept her eyes averted, pushing her plate over to Cohen before replying so softly, “Of course.”

When Dad left, we never heard from him again. While he did travel often, there were always those letters he sent, assuring his safety, and enclosing money for living. However, now it seemed as if he disappeared. 

Sometimes I wonder if he’d forgotten all about us.

A few weeks after, I was awakened by the muffled sounds outside the room I shared with my brothers. Cohen’s arms hugged my waist and my left arm was under his head; the other on the book of various stories resting flipped on my stomach, a finger pausing on the page.

I had only opened the door slightly, enough to hear the last words from a strange visitor, her back was to me, who sat along with her on the dinner table. A lady clad in expensive wonder, but there was an air around her that had suggested something malicious. 

The lady rose, swiping a purple fan that rested on the table. “You think about it, Cynthia,” she said, her accent lovely and strange, before she strode off and left the door shut. 

Mom sat there for a moment, speaking no words. She tangled her fingers in her hair, the messy strands covering the planes of her face but I saw how her face morphed into an inescapable burden.

“Mom?” I called out from the door, voice soft and quiet. 

She sniffed once and wiped her cheeks before she whipped her head in my direction, “Did you need anything?” she said a bit too quietly.

“Are you okay?”

Her eyes were burning, and she looked to the window, the night sky bathed in moonlight—its pale grey illuminating the room. A glimmer of weariness flashed across her face, and she stood. 

“Of course,” her voice staggered. “Have you heard anything from your father?”

I shook my head, “No.”

“Did he say anything to you before he left?” There was a bleak of hope in her words.

Again, I shook my head, “No.”

She paused before she loosed a long, shivering sigh, hands braced on her knees. “Don’t wait for me tomorrow night.”

But I did, and I watched as she staggered forward before she fell with a thud. 

The door was left ajar, the moonlight seeping through. It was the only light that allowed me to see her shortened hair, so short that it barely reached her neck and the sleeve that loosened on her shoulder.

I just stared at her, willing my mouth to close, willing to let air enter my lungs. 

In the darkness, she pulled herself together as she struggled to sag on the chair. It wasn’t long before she gave a shuddering sniffle, and it didn’t stop for days. 

* * *

“Is your father home?” Mom’s fingers circled my wrist while I fed her the hot porridge.

“Mom,” I said sternly. A frown formed on my face before I set the spoon down to rest on the bowl, “It’s been five years. He’s _dead_.”

First, a tear trickled down her cheek, then the stream of ripping screams emerged from her mouth, so loud I had to step away. She kicked through the table and the porridge spilled, burning my skin. 

“Stop!” I smoldered with indignation. “Stop! Stop! Stop!”

“Arya!” Kamber’s bemused voice sounded from behind me before I saw the worry and panic spread across his face while he tried to console Mom.

He patted her back as she struggled to get off, kicking and pushing him, giving in to the unnerving anger. Mom’s fingers dug against his arms, nails sinking deep into his skin, a hint of red forming. Silently, I turned on my heel, glimpsing Cohen’s terrified reaction hiding behind the door, and stepped out of the room.

My feet moved forward, leading me to nowhere. But my mind kept replaying what had happened and the horror of the reality that hit me along with its petty reasons.

There was that regret that hit me like the heavy stream of waterfalls. I should’ve been more lenient with Mom. I should’ve been more careful and patient. But I had walked away and let Kamber do my job; I had walked away and left him with that burden.

I should’ve been a pillar. But why am I feeling so weak? Why am I feeling so angry and so lost? Why do I find the need to run away?

Perhaps, courage of the heart is very rare.

I scoffed at my own selfishness. I clenched my fist so hard, it hurt. My nails sinking into my palms.

It hurts, but I don’t want it to stop.

The glittering expanse above dazzled its beauty. I flexed my fingers as I tried to grasp nothing in the air. With the abandoned vast land that no one seems to come to, like a lullaby half-remembered. The normal ruckus at home was replaced by a hustling quiet, only the occasional howling of the wind.

I closed my eyes and inhaled a long breath.

My legs propped down against the tall, pale wheat as I lay down. The itch gave me nothing but discomfort but the shrouding presence was enough to make me endure it.

I was the eldest in the family. Kamber came in after four years, then the youngest, Cohen. We weren’t rich, but we were comfortable. There was contentment, and we never dared ask for more. It was enough, and we were happy. 

But when Dad left, it all came to a devastating end.

Our neighbors assumed that he was dead. Eaten by the titans. At first, I didn’t believe it. He was going to come back; he promised he’d come back. How could he have been eaten by the titans when he hasn’t gone outside the walls—in the titans’ realm? But as time passed by, I couldn’t help but believe it. Or at least, I wanted to believe it.

It’s better to think that he died instead of thinking he left us—the family who depended on him—to fend for ourselves.

My mother’s mental and physical health were deteriorating, waiting patiently outside the house with her rush-seat, hoping that my father would come back. She had forgotten to grasp reality from in front of her. My two brothers won’t be fed by mere hope. 

Hope can’t feed a family. Hope can’t sustain the needs of a family. 

I’m not so sure if hope makes life easier or harder. Or maybe there’s no such thing that exists.

As mad as I was when he left, I waited for him. I still waited, because that’s what I was used to, what I was good at, and what I was expected to do. 

I waited until there was nothing that came knocking at the door, asking for a meal after a long journey. I waited until his face blurred in my head of all the years we’ve been apart. I waited until there was nothing that motivated me. I waited until I was slapped by the haunting reality of life and hunger. 

I was waiting for someone who will never return.

If anything, Kamber’s the one who could take care of the family better than I could. Kamber had that caring aura where everything he touched had the potential to heal and turn into something special. 

That’s why I let him go to school instead of me. He’s going to reach further than I could ever dream. Perhaps it’s all my years as a big sister, but I would never let their future turn black and white. 

He’s going to be a doctor, and Cohen is showing signs of being interested in painting. We were barely living, struggling, and striving to pass another day. 

And yet, Wall Maria had to be breached by the Colossal and the Armored Titans. 

With the vast number of immigrants from Wall Maria, hunger was inevitable. Because of the surge, it became harder and harder to get a job. The pay decreased because no one would complain as long they had one, and the increasing count of robberies and thieves were getting larger and larger by the minute. 

When one wall falls, the order falls too.

Running my fingers along the smooth curve of the longbow, I trailed the white, unsuspecting rabbit with my eyes. 

_Stand upright. Loosen your wrists. Use your dominant eye. Pull when you exhale._

I replay the steps in my head. Over and over. In return, the tightness in my stomach only intensified. 

Focusing on my breathing as I focused my gaze on the target, I clenched the bow tightly for the wood to groan. Shutting out all other movements, and every sound surrounding me. I closed my left eye as I tilt my head. As I exhaled, I let the arrow fly. My sore muscles ached with the effort.

The sound of wood against wood scared the rabbit away, hopping faster and more alert than it was before. It hopped nonstop until it disappeared into the horizon, too far away for me to see. 

I missed. Again.

My stomach growled in pain, sagging onto the ground from the leaden feeling. Sweat ran in rivulets down from my forehead to my neck, then down to my chest. The wetness transferring onto my shirt, sticking to my skin. My face contorted in agony, both frustration and hunger. 

The world was foggy around the edges, and my body felt too heavy. The wind ripped strands from my messily braided hair, and the need to go home felt bigger and bigger by the minute. 

But I couldn’t yet. I can’t go back empty-handed. 

The sun was beginning to set, the heat boring onto my skin was starting to abate. 

I loosed a long, heavy sigh. My grip around my longbow tightened, the sharpness from my hold biting into my skin. Slowly, I propped my legs to stand, ignoring the wobbly feeling of my legs from the duration of a useless hunt. 

If I couldn’t catch food with my strength, I hoped I could with wits.

A twig snapped nearby, perking my senses. I shifted my gaze to the source, revealing a single javelina. Dark hair reflected in the sunset, half of its body concealed with layers of thorns and leaves. A heap of prickly pears was scattered on the muck.

Gingerly, I edged forward, narrowing my focus on the target. Swiftly stalking the clueless creature, I took steady breaths. 

_Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat._

The tightness in my stomach abated as I repeated the steps in my head. I shut out all thoughts. I shut out all doubts as I nocked an arrow. I let my dominant eye take over, and with one swift release, I let the arrow fly.

A ripping shriek came out of the javelina as the arrow hit the creature’s side. It started to jumble in pain. Turning over and over. My brows creased as I took a good look at the creature.

It wasn’t a javelina. It was a boar.

I stayed vigil in place, steadying my breath. My throat constricted at the sudden turn of events. I swallowed, but my throat was dry.

There were only so many dangers in hunting. One being the danger of hunting a boar. It was easy to predict the patterns of javelinas; boars, on the other hand, were unpredictable natural predators. 

My gaze shifted from left to right, looking for any chance of survival or escape. A stream of curses began flowing through my head, each more vulgar than the next. The chances of running for survival were slim. The terrain was not in my favor, and a boar would charge at me with incredible speed, fierce and sharp tusks waiting for my fall. 

The only option was to climb a tree. 

Slowly, I lace my longbow around my back before reaching for the dagger on my holster belt. 

_Or kill it and make it my dinner._

The boar stopped jumbling as it focused on my baffled stance. I slowly slunk away, twigs snapping as I took steps backward. It bellowed and surged, nimbly aiming for me as it started running in my direction with incredible speed. 

If my plan fails, then I become the boar’s dinner instead. Hunting taught me the dangers of quitting so easily. 

My heart pounded mercilessly and the tightness in my stomach intensified as it lunged forward. 

I stifled a scream as the blinding pain from the boar’s tusk lanced through my ankle, tearing the clothed material in the area. The boar passed through swiftly, and the world came to a halt as I raised my dagger, the hilt resting perfectly against my palm. Flexing my fingers against the hilt, I gripped it so hard it hurt. 

With one rapid movement, I impaled the boar’s head and watched as its body sagged on the ground, lifeless and unmoving like a dead sea. Then I hit it again on the spots where my dagger could, again and again until I was sure it was dead.

I let my body droop against the hard soil-covered surface, groaning in pain as my hands reached for the wound in my ankle. The metallic smell of blood seeped to my nose. I was rendered hopeless, frozen in state. 

By the time I went home, smelling atrocious like mildew and rotted blood, I was walking with a heavy limp. It was a struggle to move forward, one foot dragging against the surface and using the other to hop on the ground. 

Kamber was the one to clean my wounds. There was a flash of worry and fear in his eyes, but at the sight of the boar’s snout protruding from the sack, relief flitted across his eyes. 

He’d never really talked about our circumstance, even our father; he only embraced it with silence. There were never any complaints. But I could tell from the way his eyes shifted from the smiles he forced himself, I could tell that the pain and grief were still there, writhing inside him. 

Fortunately, Cohen was too young enough to remember anything at all. It was only that one time that Kamber and I shared a meaningful look when he asked if not having a father was normal. I left quietly before I could bat Cohen another look, letting Kamber explain—whether it was the truth or a lie, I didn’t hear.

As he cleaned the wound, my eyes roamed around the four walls of the house to think of anything. Anything at all to keep my mind off the pain and the stinging pain. My old sketches were still displayed on the walls along with Cohen’s paintings. The vast differences in style were evident. Black and white sketches against the endless vibrant colors, blending so casually—not beautiful _yet,_ but pretty.

With the danger of hunting and the little it paid, it was almost impossible for me to give my family a living. It was more ideal to raise horses for the military, but no one would sell one to me. Not when they knew I couldn’t pay the minimum amount.

There was only that offer to join the military that could secure our needs.

And by the end of the night on my seventeenth birthday, leaving only my goodbye kisses and hugs to my tear-stained brothers, begging me not to go, I was gone. Off to a battle with the titans. 

I squatted in front of my sitting mother. Her skin was leached of color, hair unbound and messy. Wrinkles defining her face, silver streaks overwhelming her hair. Her eyes were downcast even as I took her hands.

“I’m leaving,” my voice was a little more than a whisper. “I’m joining the military to provide for us.”

“Scouts…” slowly, her gaze rose to my face. “Go outside.”

My jaw clenched, eyes gleaming with barely controlled anger. It took all of me to avoid lashing out, to ask why she’d rather send me on a suicide mission. But as anger almost washed away my rationality, I couldn’t help but think answers were awaiting outside as written.

There was no way of knowing whether my death could bring forth progress for humanity. All I knew was that the military provided for our families even after our death. 

Suddenly, from only a mere civilian, I bore the weight of all people—their doubts, fears, and even their false hope to defeat the titans. 

I had a country and people to defend.

* * *

I awoke with a gasp, a hand on my heart pounding mercilessly. Shreds of poignant memories arising out of the void of my mind. Memories that I have long locked into my head.

My nimble fingers gripped my hair in frustration as I sat on the bed, the scar on my ankle from the boar’s tusk illuminated by the pale grey from the moonlight. 

Gossamer curtains blew in the chilly breeze that drifted from outside and how it smelled after the rain. Lightning flashed, illuminating the room, and I caught a glimpse of a sleeping figure on the mauve couch from my peripheral.

I shifted my gaze in the captain’s direction. He was almost curled into a ball with no blanket to shroud over himself and disperse the cold. I slipped into my boots and propped myself up, picking up the blanket. Only the crackling fire made noises and faint flashing light as I made my way over.

Gingerly, I squatted in front of his sleeping figure. His right hand was over his right arm, the other clasped between his knees. The distant fire from the hearth illuminated the planes of his face. It was enticing to watch him while none of the fierceness twisted his features—when none of that sorrow and anger flashed were etched on his face.

Then there was a _need_ that entered my system as I put the blanket around him. To run my fingers against his hair. To see if it was as soft as it looked. 

I found my fingers reaching for his raven locks, stroking lightly. For a moment, I could’ve sworn his brows creased as I stroked his hair. 

A faint smile crept over my face. Apparently, Captain Levi has insomnia, but he slept like a baby. 

Dark smudges lay under his eyes and utter exhaustion lined every inch of his body. He probably hadn’t fallen asleep until a little while ago. It was ideal to let him take the bed, but it was best to let him rest and to let him enjoy his slumber as the moonlight lulled him to sleep.

I found myself looking back at him as I stood with my hand against the bitingly cold metal knob. And I couldn’t stop myself from looking and thinking. 

Thinking about the paths that made us so different, but so similar. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uni's started for me, but I'll be writing during my free time, of course! I hope you all are doing well!


	6. Apologize

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Weekly Update Schedule: Saturday / Sunday evening

**APOLOGIZE**

For the next four days, Captain Levi never bothered to talk to me, not even to bark orders.

Had I been a fool to reveal the memories I’ve shut into the void of my head? 

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid to even care about anything other than training, to think of a nameless cadet who was good for nothing, to even think of sharing personal information. It hurt—more than I want to admit it.

My lungs burned and my legs were leaden, but I kept running. Running to keep my position in the pack of cadets. 

The sound of crunching rocks and labored breathing filled the midst of the morning. I keep my attention to the brusque voice of Commandant Keith, yelling to keep running. One step after another, breathing in time with the rhythm. 

Breathe—I had to keep reminding myself to keep breathing. 

With all the morning jogs I did, I would’ve thought I had an advantage when it comes to running. But it seems that I will never get used to running fifty laps. 

The light of the open field grew brighter and brighter. The end of the path. I struggled to take another breath. 

The cadets in front of me slowed to a stop. The urge to sink to my knees felt intense, but I fought it off to appear as if I could manage even more running. To appear that I wasn’t weak at all. 

My legs slowed, slowed, and slowed until I was walking, willing to let the air inside my lungs. 

“Good,” Commandant Keith said, reigning his horse and surveying out withered faces. “Drink, then we’ll have our next training.”

But I kept walking until I was through trees, approaching with crunching noises of boots against the dried leaves. Stumbling as the world became dark and tilted as I stopped into the cover of the bushes. 

I let myself sink to my knees and vomit. Stars swarmed my vision. I heaved and heaved until there was nothing left. On trembling limbs, I hauled myself upright. 

Armin stood across the path with pursed lips, looking as indisposed as I did. His golden head looked out of place in the darkness and malice of the woods even in the morning. Either he didn’t bother hiding the curiosity etched on his face or didn’t realize the look he was giving as he watched me retch onto the ground.

Wiping my mouth with the back of my wrist, I said nothing to him. Only giving him a terse nod before I exited out of the woods and catching up with the rest of the cadets who’d all left for the next location.

My first steps were fast, catching up to their pace and finding familiar faces in the pack of cadets that walked alongside each other. 

I took a good glimpse at Otho and Lisa, two young cadets who’ve gotten closer to each other, trotting side by side. Despite beads of sweat rolling off their exhausted faces, they didn’t look as tired as the rest of us did. Perhaps, it was because they found comfort in each other.

Lisa raised a hand to brush the stray hairs from her face, her silver ring seeming to gobble up the morning light. Then their fingers brushed in the short distance they allowed. As if the pack had blurred in the background.

Someone stepped to my side, “Don’t you ever wonder how tender hearts make it in a world where only the strong survive?”

I glanced sidelong at Jean, and I could feel him watching the couple closely. There was a strange emotion that shimmied in his eyes. Either jealousy or sympathy. I couldn’t tell.

“Coming from _you?”_ I chuckled under my breath, keeping my gaze on the damp and dark hair of the cadet in front of me.

Jean shot me a side glance, his lips pursed into a playful smile. His mouth opened but said nothing. Spoke nothing and said nothing as if he’d changed his mind. But as he spotted Mikasa in the throng of cadets, he bid me goodbye with an impish grin, “No fair maiden should walk alone.”

I could only roll my eyes at him, telling him that I’d be left alone in the process. But he’d only laugh at me as he made his way through the crowd and by Mikasa’s side. 

While I watched him try his luck in talking with Mikasa, her damp dark hair gleaming in the sunlight, I couldn’t quite help but bring forth meaning to his words. 

* * *

The smell of sweat, the sound of boots scraping the rocky ground, and the heavy musk of exhaustion drifted toward me. Running over to the shadows of the trees and sitting down were strictly prohibited. So we stood in four divided lines in the blazing heat of the sun, waiting for orders. 

I wiped the bead of sweat that ran from my brow to my chin before a hand clapped my shoulder. 

“Eren?” I whispered, brows creasing as I turned around.

His chestnut hair was messy, the sides sticking to the planes of his face from the sweat, but there was no sign of exhaustion on his face. 

“You’re here,” he breathed, so softly that his lips barely moved.

I pushed strands of stray hairs on my face to the back of my ear, “Yeah…” I flashed a tight smile, “The last time was kinda…” I grimaced, “extra.”

Eren let out a hearty chuckle. He stood upright and pulled me closer to him. My nose bumped the cotton of his shirt, letting his manly scent invade my nostrils and making my cheeks turn pink. 

“I’m glad you’re here,” he said as I reached for his arm to acknowledge his warmth against mine. Hard muscle lay in the arm underneath my hand.

“Yeah, me too…” was all I said. And just for a second, everything else melted away.

Commandant Keith cleared his throat, “Attention _now!”_ he called, making me pull away from Eren and whipping my head in his direction.

And he was not alone. Because there he was, the man I haven’t seen since that night, standing upright beside the commandant. 

All cadets tried to look calm as the commandant grinned broadly, as if whatever the next training was going to torment the hell out of us. The presence of the captain was enough to support that idea. 

“Rules are simple. Pick a partner, and bring them _down._ Keep track of all your wins,”the commandant said. “Both Captain Levi and I will watch.”

Some cadets began murmuring, looking for partners and even exchanging ideas after ideas of why Captain Levi would bother watching. 

_“Go!”_ Commandant Keith finished, flashing a look grim enough to keep us moving. 

Then I was through a partner, a familiar face but one I have never talked with. Then another after another, both winning and losing until I was paired up with Armin. 

His golden hair gleamed in the sun, beads of sweat running down his forehead as he raised his hands to a fist as I echoed the move. 

Hesitation was over Armin’s face, as if he still hadn’t gotten used to hitting another person. And there was that added pressure from Captain Levi’s presence as he stalked past cadets, observing and watching, taunting and sneering.

Armin’s arms were shaky with every movement that he couldn’t even throw straights properly. His legs wobbled with every step as he tried to lunge, each one being so easy to avoid. His gaze met mine, and I saw the flash of both exhaustion and hesitation in his eyes.

“Your men are cowards,” Captain Levi’s voice was surprisingly nearby, and it took only a short whip of the head to see he’d been standing with the Commandant, observing us. 

A chill snaked down my spine at the scornful look he gave Armin.

“There’s still plenty of time to make them strong,” the Commandant snarled—but not at the captain—at Armin.

Then their backs were on us, and I caught a good glimpse of Armin’s flushed reaction. I couldn’t shake the irritation that seeped from within.

“You thought wrong,” I said, loud enough for them to hear. Loud enough that some of the nearby cadets that circled nearby turned their attention.

Captain Levi was the first to come to a stop before Commandant Keith turned to give him a look. He gave me a lethal glance, “What did you say?”

“He’s not a coward,” I said. “We’re not cowards.”

Captain Levi kept approaching, and I could have sworn I saw a flicker of teeth this time. 

He stood right in front of me, the intimidation almost making my knees wobble.

“We’re tired from the training earlier,” I said. “We ran fifty laps—”

“If I wanted excuses, I would’ve asked for it,” his voice was as dead as his eyes, but there was a razor-sharp bite behind it. 

A short pause fell between us, gauging each other, “If you’re not a coward, _prove it,”_ he took a step forward. “Would you dare fight _me?”_ It was more of a mockery than a question, a promise that he was bearing inescapable doom.

I did not see Armin’s face when he gripped my arms, “Arya, just apologize! It’s okay. I’m okay!” he whispered, though I could bet Captain Levi heard it. 

Our eyes were only at each other, exchanging deadly stares. 

All I could see was the captain’s ignorance in what we’ve sacrificed to put our lives on the line—our families whom we’ve left behind. The faces we left behind in the hope of a better world. For even then, I had known that enormity of sacrifice. 

And had he forgotten the things I told him that night? Or was that not worth a sacrifice for him?

I tore off Armin’s grip before taking a step forward, pushing against the tension threatening to lock my limbs in place. My heart stumbled on the beat, “As you will it.”

Faster than I could sense, faster than anything out of the void, he raised his fist to punch. I had shifted to keep my nose from shattering but took the blow to the mouth instead. I hit the palisade and tasted blood.

“Arya!” Armin yelled but took no step forward. Not with that monster who let out a soft, lethal laugh as he beheld my state. 

Captain Levi took another step forward but held the line he’d drawn on himself, “What was that you were saying?”

The normal ruckus and clang against metal from blades and crunched stones from boots grew into a hushed silence as nearly everyone turned to look at us. Worry and interest flashing across their faces. Even Commandant Keith stayed silent behind him.

I gritted my teeth to stifle a groan before I turned my head to spit blood on the ground and glared at him.

“Are you just going to stand there? Or would you at least try and land a punch?” 

I hit nothing but air, and only air until his foot hooked mine in an efficient maneuver that sent me back careening into the palisade once more. I tried to remember how to breathe as the impact echoed through my skull.

“Like I said,” one moment and he had a white handkerchief to wipe the blood off on his knuckles. “Cowards have a lot to learn.”

Utterly outmatched. I was utterly outmatched. Breathless from exhaustion and head reeling from the impact.

“You’re a lot stronger than I thought you’d be,” I said, masking fear with bravado.

“And you,” he tilted his head to the side, a corner of his lip slightly twitching upward, “you’re entirely average.”

Primal anger sharpened my gut as I sent my body forward and hurled another punch. To hell with the consequences.

Each hit, each straight, and still none of them landed on Captain Levi. 

He was effortlessly moving, swiftly shifting from one place to another, avoiding my movements as if he had predicted each one. 

A shuddering rush went through me, and then he attacked. 

He moved in swift angles. I wasn’t so sure if his punches had become weaker or if the numbness took over. But then my head throbbed and a warm trickle of blood leaked from the right side of my brow.

I dodged the next blow, sidestepping, strands of my hair snapping in the wind. Even twisting far enough to avoid the second strike. But he was so fast, so damn fast that I could barely register the swiftness of his movements. 

His dead, silver eyes found mine as he whirled. There was no chance of dodging or blocking the next blow. But there was that roar in my blood, the throbbing and the adrenaline strength that pumped through me. 

One minute, and I shut out all thoughts and yells from my friends who kept calling my name. One minute, and I gambled another hit, gambling a blow as I anticipated another from him.

I closed my eyes until I felt my knuckle hit his jaw. But at the second I opened my eyes, one sweep of his foot and I was falling. 

It wasn’t the sunlight that heated my face as I lay still, but the hatred and shame, blinking past the burning in my eyes. 

Before any of those _coward_ tears could trickle down the side of my face, I brought my arm to cover my eyes, disguising them as an act of covering the sun. The shade from Captain Levi’s height loomed over, blocking the sun and covering my wilted face from the watchful cadets and soldiers.

My lips quivered as I spoke, “I’m sorry.”

Captain Levi just stood there, staring me down as I let my tears fall from the side of my eyes to the ground. I cried—truly cried as silent as I could. 

He said nothing, not even when he let another clean handkerchief fall over, entirely covering my face. As if it could cover all my shame. 

“You do not apologize,” he said before I heard the crunch of stones on the ground as he turned, ready to walk away, “for defending the people you care for.”


	7. Salve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took quite long to upload because I’ve been busy with uni lately and I’m kind of losing my will to write the next few chapters in this fic, to be honest. I’m working on a couple of long Haikyuu one shots as of the moment - that seems to interest me more than this lately. But I’ll still continue to update for sure.

**SALVE**

Aching and shivering all night, I woke up a lot earlier despite having a rest day today. Fortunately, getting beat up by the Captain was timely since the following day was an off day for the rest of us.

I twisted on my cot, huddling against the cold in the miserable little room I shared with Sasha. I tossed and turned, trying to find another perfect spot to lull myself back to sleep, especially when no trace of sun showed up in the sky.

Fingering my split lip, I winced as I eyed an ivory tin that sat right beside the door. I yanked the blanket off of me, slipped into my boots, and stepped on the groaning wooden floors and grabbed the tin.

It was filled with salve that smelled of mint and rosemary, beneath it was a note written in clean and concise handwriting.

_You’ll need it._

Snorting at the letter, which I assumed Jean wrote as he’d been the only one to have salve around since his mishap with the Captain a few weeks ago.

I smeared the salve onto my swollen lip, slightly wincing at the stinging pain.

A glance in the mirror was proof that I had seen better days. I scowled at my reflection, not too careful to wake Sasha up.

* * *

I sat quietly in between Historia and Mikasa, coddled up at the mess hall. Ymir was right beside Historia and Annie beside Mikasa. Eren, Armin, Sasha, and Jean sat across me respectively, while Connie forced Jean to move closer to Sasha so they could make room for him.

Five people on a bench made for four with limited space made them crush against one another. Eren would often complain that only a part of his ass was seated, earning a scowl from Jean that made them bicker.

Given my state, I was too exhausted to even move or to speak with a swollen lip—the salve had already taken down the swelling but the color remained.

“You know, Arya,” Jean cackled in front of me. “I think you love me a little too much to follow my footsteps.”

“Wipe that grin off your face,” I glared at him.

“Hey, Arya,” Ymir called, an impious grin. “How do you like your new look?”

I rolled my eyes at her, but Connie, Sasha, and Jean sniggered. I made sure that Sasha saw me looking at her to give her an obscene gesture that only earned me laughter.

Jean brought a spoonful of food to his mouth before speaking, “Don’t worry, I should still have some left over salve from the last time. I’ll give it to you later.”

My brows creased, but I said nothing as he delved into his food once more.

He wasn’t the one who gave me salve this morning?

There were already a few cadets and soldiers in the mess hall eating their breakfast. Some ate alone peacefully, while others preferred to sit in a fairly large group.

Even the commander and a few higher ups were already here. Perhaps it was normal for them to wake up so early judging from the sight of their almost finished plates.

The ones with great responsibilities always tend to get ahead of everyone, I think.

Which meant, Captain Levi was also here. From my peripheral, he gazed at me while he sipped his cup of tea. Despite the loud exchange of conversation between my table, I was all too aware of how he watched me, and I was all too aware of how he sat quietly in his place.

His knees were crossed, his muscular left arm draped over the back of his chair, the other he used to bring tea to his lips.

He had a completely different aura around him from the others at his table.

Unapproachable. Aloof. Detached. Guarded.

"Hey," Annie started off with a monotone, "Is it just me or has the Captain been looking this way for a while now?"

"I thought I was the only one who noticed," Ymir agreed, giving Annie a nod.

Jean choked on his water, “Maybe he wants another _round,”_ wiggling his eyebrows at me to which I grimaced.

Eren sighed, “I know he seems harsh, but he’s…” he struggled to find the perfect word to describe the Captain.

Among the rest of us, Eren was probably the one who understood the Captain. There was a certain gleam in his eyes that made it crystal clear of how he looked up to the Lance Corporal of the Survey Corps.

“An Ackerman?” Ymir suggested, earning no replies but a glare from Mikasa who stayed quiet throughout the whole course of the meal.

“Not really,” Annie pointed her breadknife at him, staring with her dead eyes. “Because _technically_ that was training.”

“Yeah, but how about _me?_ ” Jean countered.

Eren furrowed his brows, “Not you. You deserved it because you were an ass.”

That was all it took to send the both of them into another argument—completely ignoring the rest of us at the table—which Armin tried to stop while Connie issued a jolly laugh and Sasha crammed bread into her mouth.

As silent and discreet as I could, I sneaked a peek at Captain Levi—only to find him staring directly at me.

My heart pounded mercilessly as I tore my gaze away and quickly looked down at my plate, calming my heart before I had the courage to raise my head up.

Annie’s gaze went straight at me, her eyes narrowing as she looked back and forth to the Captain and then to me in silence.

A disturbance under the table suggested she kicked Sasha’s ankle from below. "What the hell, Sasha? You're so obvious!" Ymir quietly yelled at Sasha when she looked back to check on the captain with her mouth stuffed with food.

Sasha coughed and choked on her food. I quickly reacted, handing her my cup of water.

She brought the cup to her lips, rivulets of water streaming from the sides of her mouth before she spoke, "I didn't get to see anything! Ymir surprised me.”

I struggled to keep my gaze averted, but I found it difficult not to stare at him. I had no desire to talk to him. I had no desire to hear from him. Though I knew for a fact he had nothing to say.

All I wanted was to see that face. That look. When there was nothing of that _deadly captain_ in his face. Not even a trace of aggression lay across his features.

But when I looked back for one final moment, he was gone.

* * *

“Your ring looks lovely!” Historia took Lisa’s left hand into hers, admiring the silver ring that gleamed in the sunlight as we sat in a circle on the mossy ground, killing time before training starts.

Lisa covered her mouth with her right hand as she chuckled softly. The lady in her blossoming so perfectly. She had always looked out of place in the military where we trained with filth, dirt, and blood.

The wind ripped strands of her ruddy hair and her pale skin turned red in the midday sun but none of it seemed to bother her. I let myself look at her for a moment, staring at her lovely features.

She was pretty—beautiful even.

Lisa was woven into perfection and laced with grace, her hands dancing like little birds in her every movement.

“I told Otho he didn’t have to get a ring, just the papers are okay for me. But he insisted,” a blush formed on her cheeks as she said the words.

“How about the military, though?” Ymir asked out of the blue. Her legs were out and palms braced behind her in the moss.

“We’re leaving next weekend, actually,” Lisa grinned before she started on. “We’re settling in my aunt’s farm. I’ll be a gardener and he’ll be a stableboy for them.”

“What, really?” Sasha exclaimed, her voice muffled with a potato down her throat. “That’s great!”

Her lovely smile echoed the glare of the sun. The feeling curled around with every thought, a tendril of hope that grew with each breath.

There was a part of me that was afraid to look at it for too long, as though acknowledging it would somehow spark ideas I shut down long ago.

That maybe I stood a chance of finding my own sort of peace.

A faint warmth bloomed in my chest, reminding myself to never think that far ahead.

“Hmm,” someone hummed from behind me—a playful tone, “you all seem to be taking advantage of your free time.”

I whipped my head to look behind, revealing the Section Commander, Hanji.

Our eyes widened and we stood upright as fast as we could and saluted. All except for Lisa, who still wore her smile.

“Oh, please,” Hanji waved her hand and smiled. “Don’t bother. I was just looking around.”

“That’s not exactly how someone would react to a section commander,” Lisa chuckled as she slowly stood up with a familiarity that suggested that both were acquainted.

Hanji tilted her head, her dark brown ponytail dancing to the direction. She said nothing as she looked around, and then met my gaze.

She stared at me for a short moment, her eyes drifting downwards to my lip. “Was it you and… Levi?”

“Was it the color of my lips that gave it away?” I asked.

Sasha nudged me, widening her eyes; Ymir and Historia fell dead silent, but Hanji only laughed.

“Do you have a moment?” Hanji tilted her head, putting her hands behind her.

I nodded slowly, “Sure,” a little confused and curious on why she wanted to talk to me.

A hand touched the small of my back, turning to see Sasha who’d already made her way beside me. She flashed a smile, “We’ll head out first.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I shook my head to snap out of my thoughts, “Go on.”

Ymir, Historia, and Lisa followed after Sasha. Historia and Lisa gave me a smile, while Ymir only nodded. I gave them a short wave as I watched them walk away before I felt Hanji’s presence right beside me, watching them leave.

The air had turned cold, and I noticed how relatively silent Hanji was. She had a reputation of always being loud, especially when it came to titans. But her silence suggested otherwise.

It was silent, like the calm before the storm.

“On behalf of Levi,” she faced her body towards mine, “I’d like to apologize.”

An awkward smile forced my lips to twitch upwards, shaking my hand in front of her, “It’s fine.”

Hanji sighed as her shoulders slumped, “Levi could get a little--” she paused, perhaps thinking of the right words to say, _“harsh.”_

“I can tell,” was all I could say as I kept my gaze fixated on the barracks in front, avoiding her gaze.

For a short moment, Otho passed by, carrying lilies in his hands. And I wondered whether he met Lisa along the way.

Hanji chuckled, the sound of perfect cheerfulness rang in my ears, “He’s like a troubled youth despite his age. He’s kind of like a math problem.”

That made me smile, drawing a chortle out of me, “And have you figured him out after all these years?”

Her smile lines faded slowly as solemnity flickered in her eyes, the sound of her laughter disappeared as she looked straight up at me, “I never figured him out. And I could never figure him out.”

“Really?”

“Nothing good will come out of forcing him to share what he feels,” a slow smile spread across her face. “That’s why all I do is be there for him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT 9/27/20: I went under the process of editing and revising. Now the fic takes on a slower pace - I had to so that I don't cringe every time I post a new update. It'll still be the same content but slower.


	8. Difference

**DIFFERENCE**

I scanned the green pastures and the peaceful ground as I wiped the window glass in the mess hall. 

The burnt-colored sun fell further beyond the line between the sky and the wall, oozing out rich tones of yellow and orange that managed to warm me up from the inside. Everything around me was colored in the warmest hues.

It almost felt like home...

When there was only the silence that only existed after Mom slept and I could spend the evenings reading the same book on my father’s desk or strolling through the dirt roads of my village or getting my hands dirtied with charcoal from drawing. 

There was nothing out of the ordinary in my life. It was just simple. And I liked it.

“Faster, faster! Move faster if you want to eat!” Oluo yelled from behind me, one hand holding a rolled paper and the other palm open, hitting it with the paper every time he made a command. Obviously taking advantage and feeling good that he was the one leading.

I frowned and moved my hand faster as I made invisible circles with the rag.

When there were no loud yells and bossy seniors, it almost felt like home.

“Hey, Arya,” Jean called out, causing me to angle my head to him. “Can you pass me that?” he pouted to the direction of the dustpan right beside me.

“No,” I flashed him a conspirator’s grin. “You get it.”

Jean rolled his eyes at me and took it himself.

"Ouch, ouch, ouch!" A disturbance from the door made us turn our heads over to the perpetrator.

We all stopped what we were doing to salute. Hanji was jumping on one foot and held the other with her hand, a set of papers tucked under her arm. The scene suggested she hit her foot by the entrance, making me giggle a little for our superior being a klutz.

“Hanji!” Oluo saluted, a little late to the party, as Hanji stood in front of him.

Hanji nodded over to Oluo and flashed us a friendly grin as she leaned on the door jamb for support, "I need one of you to help me bring some files over to Levi."

Almost everyone resumed their work, ignoring Hanji’s request and earning a frown from her.

It wasn't that the cadets doubted Hanji’s seniority, but this involved Levi. And nobody wanted to get involved with him.

"No one?" she called out, raising the papers in her hand. "Not even if I give that person a potato?" she smirked, looking over to Sasha.

Sasha was biting her lip, trying not to look in Hanji's direction. She had her eyes closed and I could have sworn she was sweating. But despite her love for food and potatoes, she kept her eyes averted.

"Arya can!" Jean called out, making me turn to him with a creased brow. 

He was now wearing the roguish grin I had from earlier as he rested his chin over his hand on the broomstick, looking as if he’d just outdone me.

His outburst made Hanji smile as wide as she could and I almost had to step back as she practically ran my way, shoving the papers in my face. 

"Thanks, Arya! I'd bring it myself if I could, but I don't want to interrupt him when he's with Erwin.”

He’s with Commander Erwin? Does this mean they are conversing about something serious and Hanji sent me in case Captain Levi gets annoyed, so I’ll be the one he’ll get mad at?

But with one look at Hanji’s smiling face, all of my worries seemed to flush themselves away.

I only nodded, taking the papers and forcing a smile onto my sweat-stained faced.

Jean smirked from beside me, "Good luck dealing with Captain Levi."

"Shut up." I gave him a grimace and his laughter rang throughout the hall as if he’d outdone me in some type of way. 

My eyes drifted back to Hanji. I could have sworn I saw a grin over her lips, "I owe you one," she said.

***

I stood outside his office door, hesitating. 

My grip tightened on the papers, creating a rustle, as I remembered the sparring match I had with the captain. The embarrassment tugged at my heart at the thought of seeing him again after that.

It took all of me to raise my knuckle toward the wooden door when I heard a familiar voice inside the room.

"They're returning from the military police in a few weeks..."

The door to the captain's office was left ajar as I heard the faint voice of Commander Erwin drifted through the cracks, making me wonder if I should knock first or peek my head around.

I tilted my head a little to take a peek. Commander Erwin stood across Captain Levi’s desk while the captain sat and listened. The commander had his back to me, but I could see the way Captain Levi maintained his nonchalant expression, a slight tug of his brows here and there didn’t escape my prying eyes.

The grave tone in Commander Erwin’s voice and the way Captain Levi listened intently was no denying that their conversation seemed serious, and I was immediately reminded of what Hanji said earlier. She didn't want to disturb their conversation so she sent me instead.

Was I a guinea pig?

"I just hope this won't change anything in your work behavior. Especially since she's returning with them," the commander continued.

_She?_

I craned my neck a little more, carefully, as not to be found out. 

"Tch,” Captain Levi clucked. “You don't have to worry about that. It's nothing to me now.”

Pursue her? Were they talking about someone in Levi's past? From the military police?

"I genuinely wish that were true..." Commander Erwin looked in my direction as he spoke, stopping halfway when our eyes met, earning a quiet gasp from me.

"I better get going now," he excused himself.

Captain Levi didn’t send him off and only watched Commander Erwin open the door widely, revealing my surprised expression with the papers I held close to my chest.

"Cadet," Commander Erwin greeted me, his voice was a combination of strictness, calmness, and respect.

I swallowed all my budding intimidation and embarrassment from being caught and strengthened my voice, "Commander," I saluted.

He only nodded before he walked past me, and I noticed the way he had to look down on me to meet my gaze. I hated it. Because it felt like something else.

When I shifted my gaze back to Captain Levi, his eyes met with mine. 

He looked at me intently, not bothering to hide his displeasure, “What is it now?”

He didn't wear his jacket or cravat. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows. I stared, transfixed by his veiny arms. Through a great effort, I dragged my gaze away from his arms to look at his glasses.

I hadn’t seen them before. Perhaps he only wore it when his eyes were tired. His penetrating dark eyes were partially hidden by a pair of black glasses. His glasses were made the focal point of his face as it accentuated it, contrasting sharply with his raven hair and his dark gaze.

And I wanted to believe he didn’t look good. But he did. Because I realized almost immediately that I haven’t seen a higher up as attractive as before. He was so studiously put together. Well, maybe him and Commander Erwin. 

It would have been so easy for them so associate themselves with women, but their auras probably make it hard for them to be approached by anyone else other than the women near their ranks.

One more prolonging look as I watched him squint his eyes, I noticed he looked tired. Worn out. Does he even get any sleep?

I crossed the room through the hardwood’s moaning steps, ignoring the fast beating of my heart. I hated facing higher ranked soldiers.

"Just... just bringing some papers from Hanji," I stuttered as I placed the papers on his already paper-filled desk. 

Despite the ruckus that could have been, the papers were in place and organized. His desk was neat, sectioned and labeled accordingly. 

"Ah..." Just one look at his dark circles proved that he had been working nonstop. 

“Do you need anything else?” he asked, already surveying the papers I provided, pushing his glasses upwards.

“No…” I responded so quietly that I almost didn’t hear my own voice.

I stood there for a few seconds before I remembered to salute. In the awkward silence, he didn’t nod or say anything to dismiss me, so I turned on my heel. 

“Actually,” my breath hitched as I turned my head back to face him, “there is something else.”

Captain Levi looked up, so slowly as if wondering why I was still here. But I ignored all that, the embarrassment, and the pride from last time.

I closed my eyes before I spurted out, “Can you train me?” 

He rested his back against the chair, intertwining his fingers and resting them on his stomach. He surveyed me as if thirsty for blood, raising an eyebrow, “No.”

“Why?”

“If you’re still asking a superior to train you even when you spend all your day training with the other cadets, that would only make Keith look as if he’s ineffective.” He picked up his pen and darted his eyes on the papers again.

“Oh, okay…” I looked down, embarrassed from the rejection, but tried hard not to translate it to my voice.

“But,” Captain Levi started, making me shoot my gaze upward. And I hope I didn’t seem too hopeful. “If I did train you, I would only do so because I don’t want to look down on you.”

“What does that mean?” My eyebrows furrowed.

“It means what it means,” he said as a matter of fact, “that you’re weak, and it’s an eyesore to look at you.”

I opened my mouth to give a retort, but there was nothing else I could say. Instead I swallowed the stab of how true his words were, silently absorbing his conclusion.

“Is there anything else?” He asked another time, irrefutably eager to dismiss me.

But I must love humiliation so badly because I asked him another question, “Uhm, is there anything wrong? The papers, I mean.”

He raised a brow, “Do you think that if these papers were anything important you’ll be asked to bring it to me?”

“Why do you hate me?” I scowled at his hostility, my nails sinking deep in my palms. 

I thought that, somehow, after our conversation and time together that one night, he’d treat me a little better because it seemed we had a certain understanding.

“I don’t hate you. I just don’t care about you. There’s a difference,” he answered with the slightest concern.

“Why?” My shoulders sank as I bowed my head, hurt by his response.

“Should I?”

I huffed. Right. Why should he even care about me? And why am I prolonging this conversation?

“What’s your squad?” He asked after a brief moment of silence.

“Squad Four,” I replied weakly.

“Tomorrow,” he drawled, “you will go to town with Squad Four and get all the gears. And you will lead. Do you understand?”

I nodded.

“Now _get out.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My laptop broke and I kinda lost my passion for writing a little, and I really had a hard time connecting Chapter 8&9 to Chapter 10 (so I just broke the supposedly 1 chapter into 2) that it took my a loooong time figuring it out. I'm pretty sure when I get a new laptop I'll be able to write consistently again though! I'm pretty happy I was finally able to upload this because I've been working on it since September trying to figure it out lol. Thanks to Risa for helping me on this one!
> 
> Please kudos or leave a comment so I know you're still there!


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